I would like to preface this article by making it clear that I’m not very good at maths. Every little thing about this hypothetical scenario is going to be defined by some diabolical napkin science bullshit fuelled by morbid curiosity and easy access to any answers I might require through a quick Google search. I’ve also never buried or even seen a dead body myself, promise, so please don’t put me on a list for exploring the long held question of how many Pikmin it would take to carry one. If I ever was to need help disposing of a dead body, hypothetically of course, I know I’d call on these lil’ dudes because they’re hella loyal.
So, let’s get down to business and, through the examination of certain items found within Pikmin 4, figure out how many Pikmin of multiple different variants we’d need to pick up a corpse with no trouble at all. We’re going to ignore the weight loss brought upon by decay which would occur if a body was left alone for too long, so let’s consider this a fresh kill to make things easier. Imagine you’re in college with a bunch of Pikmin and you accidentally nailed a random stranger with your car. In a drunken panic you rope them into becoming an accomplice to your crime as you venture into the nearby forest, quarry, and/or basement. Hypothetically.
Objects such as fruit, corpses, and electronics aren’t measured in weight when playing Pikmin, instead represented by exactly how many Pikmin it takes to carry them. Apples (~85 grams) might require 7 Pikmin, while a Game Boy Advance SP (142 grams) asks us to recruit 12 to bring the device back to our spaceship. The heaviest thing I’ve come across in the entire game are watermelons (~10 kilograms), which require a grand total of 100 Pikmin to lift them off the ground.
Ignoring the inconsistencies between the number of Pikmin needed to carry an apple and a watermelon, we’ll be using the latter as our baseline, with an average watermelon being anywhere between 9 and 11 kilograms. A human body on the other hand is about 70 kg depending on where in the world your corpse happens to be located. Using that logic, we’d be asking our Pikmin army to carry the deceased human equivalent of roughly 7 watermelons. Or 494 Game Boy Advance SP consoles. That means we’d need to have 700 or so Pikmin in our party, which at the current point is physically impossible within any of the games. 100 is the limit, so unless you’re chopping that corpse up into little pieces we might stumble into some trouble.
There’s also spread to consider. Most of the objects and insect corpses you’ll be tasked to carry in Pikmin 4 are either pretty small in size or relatively spherical. This means hordes of the buggers are able to gather round objects and distribute their weight evenly to carry them across environments. Smaller and taller objects are normally a lot lighter, so there is less risk of dropping them and it all going wrong. Human bodies are more complicated with several limbs and other features to consider. Who carries what and how many are needed for certain parts of the body?
You’d want several hundred Pikmin at least holding up the torso, since without this being properly supported the whole thing is going to go wrong. Call it 400. A few dozen or so can support each of the limbs along with the feet, say 50 per limb? We need another squad to hold up the head ensuring it doesn’t drag through the soil and leave behind any unwanted evidence. 100 there, just to be safe and pick up any spare hairs that could leave behind vital DNA.
The good news is we theoretically won’t need to hide the body since it will be sucked into Olimar’s ship and immediately turned into either rocket fuel or more Pikmin for me to boss around. We’re bound to have a few loose objects and belongings we’ll need to dispose of alongside the body itself, so make sure to bring a few extra souls along to account for any unexpected developments. With 750 or so, a corpse will pose no issues for Olimar and company.
In summary, a dead body in the world of Pikmin 4 would amount to the following:
- 7 watermelons
- 494 Gameboy Advance SPs
- 590 Lemons
- 23,000 Nintendo DS cartridges
- 70 Giant Bulborbs
- 235 Ouya consoles.
If you’re only now just realising how messed up these games are despite being developed by Nintendo, welcome to the club, shut your mouth, and please help us carry this thing we only have a few hours until the cops get here.