Pokemon Sleep finally gets its full rollout later this month. Years after it was first revealed (and never really explained), the latest way for Pokemon to tighten its stranglehold on every last aspect of our lives is almost here. Basically, it’s one of those sleep-tracking apps with a shiny coat of Pokemon paint.
But now that we've been shown how Pokemon Sleep works, it turns out it's a little more than that. Everyone gets a Snorlax, and the sleeping Pokemon who gather around your Snorlax each night will be determined by the night you have. How long you sleep, how much you move - that sort of thing. Those Pokemon will then bring you items to prepare and feed to your Snorlax for the night ahead, which of course you can also buy for real money.
I'm very excited for it to arrive so I can give it a whirl. I use a sleep app already, so replacing it with a Pokemon-branded one sounds good to me. I’m eager to find out which Pokemon are attracted to my camp when the app picks up my three-year-old son wandering in at 2 am to tell me he needs a poo.
Once Pokemon Sleep is finally here, another key element of my life will have been gamified by The Pokemon Company. What started as a monopoly on my gaming and TV time as a kid has turned into something that tracks how much I walk in Pokemon Go, and even tells me if I'm brushing my teeth properly via Pokemon Smile. Okay, Smile is predominantly used by my son, but I am very much along for the ride.
There are so many parts of our daily lives Pokemon can come for next, and I for one am all for our Pokemon overlords tracking every single thing we do. They’ve captured our dreams, but they still want the rest of our waking moments. In fact, since I’m assuming they’re somehow watching me right now, I’m going to go ahead and throw out a few ideas.
Eating is the biggest mountain Pokemon is yet to conquer. Yes, there are plenty of Pokemon-branded foods out there, everything from Oreos to Pokemon Milk (that's milk with Pokemon branding on it, not milk from an actual Pokemon, you sickos), but no app or game that watches what you eat. My first thought was a calorie counter that gives you a Pokemon at the end of each day depending on what you've eaten, but that might get a little dark. No one needs an app telling them they ate like a Munchlax.
Instead, Pokemon could have fun matching Pokemon with different types of food. Post a selfie of you eating an ice cream cone and get the opportunity to catch Vanillite. Grab a sandwich and you unlock a Fidough. It could even be geared towards kids as a way to encourage them to eat healthy food. I reckon the promise of a Farfetch'd showing up would seriously increase the odds of my son trying leeks.
Moving south - yes I'm really about to go there - how about gamifying our bowel movements, Pokemon? Pokemon Poop; an app that tracks the frequency with which you use the bathroom and the duration of each visit. Go to the toilet 20 times a day? Look at you, you well-hydrated little Staryu. Just spent 40 minutes in there? Get out and get back to work, Slaking. Also, maybe go see a doctor.
What about childcare? Oh yeah, I’m being deadly serious. Paying someone to look after your children is expensive, but knowing Pokemon, their childcare app would be absolutely free - it will just be crammed with microtransactions. A battle pass to buy through which you can unlock sterner Pokemon who your children are more likely to listen to, a Jigglypuff lullaby so you can use it to put them to sleep, that sort of thing. Still, nothing that's going to cost you nearly as much as your monthly daycare bill. Just an AR Pikachu that walks ahead of them, guides them home, and stops them from wandering into traffic. Sounds safe enough to me.
There's still so much other stuff too. I want a Pokemon waiting for me when I get out of the shower to judge how clean I am. An app that makes it feel like Pokemon are helping me do chores around the house. Something that can tell if I fall asleep at my desk and will react by having Loudred yell at me if I do. Wait, what, no, I don't do that, who does that? Basically, come at me, Pokemon. Pick up my kid from daycare, track my bathroom breaks, monitor my mealtimes. Sleep is not enough, everything must be Pokemon all of the time, and I will not rest until that is my augmented reality.